What Is Divorce Mediation?
Mediation has revolutionized divorce law. With its goal of allowing spouses to amicably resolve their differences in a non-adversarial setting, it has become a viable alternative to the historical path of filing a divorce petition (complaint), plodding through the judicial process, and paying attorneys to battle it out in a divorce trial.
A typical mediation session involves spouses meeting with someone—an attorney or child specialist—trained in dispute resolution. Depending on where you live, mediators may require state certification. The goal of mediation is to help the spouses resolve some or all of their divorce-related issues. Ordinarily, for this process to be successful, both spouses have to want it to work, and they have to be on a relatively level playing field.
As beneficial as divorce mediation may be, it's not for everyone. This article will take a closer look at some of the instances where mediation may be more likely to fail.
A Recipe for Mediation Disaster: Abuse, Narcissism, and High Conflict Personalities
When there is a history of abuse. Mediation relies heavily on each spouse's ability to communicate openly, compromise willingly, and agree voluntarily. If one spouse has a history of domestic abuse, the victim spouse may be afraid to speak up and might agree to proposals out of fear or duress. For example, if one spouse threatens to hurt the other—or even harm the children—in order to gain the upper hand in property division, any divorce settlement agreement will have been made under threat of harm, and will not only be unfair, but could even be invalid if contested later in court.
When one spouse is a narcissist. According to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists typically display:
- a lack of empathy
- a sense of entitlement
- a pattern of exploiting other people to get what they want
- a grandiose sense of self importance, and
- arrogance.
Any one of these behaviors can make mediation impossibly difficult. How can a mediator guide a couple toward a fair settlement if one spouse displays an entitlement to more than the law allows, maintains unreasonable and arrogant positions, or simply refuses to compromise?
The mediation process also relies heavily on each spouse's ability to listen to the other person's goals and interests—why one outcome may be more desirable than another. These interests are often based on feelings and needs. A narcissist has very little empathy or desire to hear about anyone else's needs. When one spouse lacks the basic skills that are essential for mediation to work, the process is likely to end in a stale mate.
When it's a high-conflict divorce. Finally, if either of the foregoing situations are present, or if both spouses are simply prone to high-conflict conduct, including yelling, hurling insults, or refusing to agree in order to spite the other or inflict revenge, bringing them together in a mediation session may do more harm than good. Spouses who fight at the drop of a hat are hardly prime candidates for mediation.
If you're in the middle of any of the foregoing scenarios, it's probably best to consult with a local family law attorney, who can help you deal with a contentious spouse.
Can A Mediator Ever Help With a High-conflict Divorce?
People with these personality types may avoid mediation. Whatever their reason, be it arrogance, a desire to punish the other spouse, or some other rationale, they don't see mediation as a suitable forum for their needs. And many mediators will screen applicants in order to avoid high-conflict and abusive situations.
That said, some will choose mediation, particularly if they're concerned about the cost of a contested divorce. In such situations, spouses may need to look for mediators that have specialized training and are willing to work with high-conflict couples. "Shuttle diplomacy" is a useful tactic that requires keeping the spouses in separate rooms during the mediation. The mediator then shuttles back and forth, relaying proposals and counter proposals. This keeps the contact and conflict to a minimum, so the spouses can focus on the divorce negotiation, rather than each other.
If you're planning to end your marriage with an abusive, narcissistic, or high-conflict spouse, you should contact a local divorce lawyer for help.