My ex-husband and I are divorced, and he has a specific parenting time schedule with our 10-year-old twin sons. Over the past few months, my children have mentioned that their dad is drinking and acting funny while spending time with them. I’ve tried to talk to my ex about his behavior, but he won’t talk, and I’m concerned for my children’s safety. Is there anything I can do?
Breakups and divorce aren’t easy, but both are extraordinarily complicated if you and your partner have children together. Couples without children can leave a relationship behind without looking back, but that’s not an option when you have children.
Co-parenting can be extremely difficult, especially if you disagree with your ex’s lifestyle choices. If you take issue with your ex’s behavior while with your children, you should try to communicate, but if that fails, you may need to ask the court for help.
Custody Basics
It’s no secret that one of the most contentious aspects of any divorce or separation is child custody and parenting time. While most couples can work together to create a parenting plan that works for the family, some need help from the court. When you ask a court to decide custody or visitation, the judge will evaluate what’s in your children’s best interest.
The court will typically award primary custody to one parent (custodial parent), meaning that the parent is responsible for meeting the child’s daily needs. The judge will provide a schedule for the non-custodial parent and child to spend time together.
What If I Don’t Like How the Other Parent Acts During Parenting Time?
Some custodial parents believe they have a right to dictate what happens during visitation between the child and another parent, but that’s not true. For example, if the other parent has court-ordered parenting time during the weekend, but would like to go out with friends and leave the child with a babysitter for a few hours, you don’t have the right to deny your child access to the other parent for that reason (unless your court order specifies otherwise.)
When the child is with the non-custodial parent, the court affords that parent the right to decide simple, day-to-day decisions, and determine how to care for the child during that time.
But if you're worried that your ex-husband’s drinking is going to impact your children, the best first step is to have a conversation to try and find a solution. If your ex isn’t willing to talk, or if you aren’t happy with the outcome of the discussion, you may need to take additional steps to ensure your children’s safety.
If Talking Fails, Try Mediation
If you’ve tried to talk about your concerns and you’re getting nowhere, you might want to consider mediation. Mediation is a voluntary process that employs a neutral third-party (mediator) who will help facilitate a conversation between you and your ex.
The goal in mediation is to find a solution that both parties agree with and that is beneficial for your child. Mediation is also confidential, so you can feel free to discuss your troubles without fear of either spouse using it in court later. If you and your ex-husband reach an agreement, the mediator can help put it in writing for the court.
If your ex has a drinking problem, you can create an agreement to restrict his drinking while he spends time with your children. If it’s a severe drinking problem, you may want to consider asking your spouse to submit to random alcohol testing before parenting time or require proof of therapy or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings.
Sometimes mediation doesn’t work, and if you’ve tried but can’t agree, you’ll need to move forward with an official request to the court.
Asking the Court to Modify Parenting Time
If your efforts fail and you’re still concerned for your children’s safety, you need to file a legal request (motion) to intervene. In most states, you’ll need to prove to the court that, since the last custody order was issues, something has changed, and a modification is necessary.
For example, to modify (change) parenting time in Michigan, the filing parent must prove to the court that there has been a significant change in circumstances since the last order. Each state’s definition of “significant” varies, so check with a local attorney in your state before you file.
In all states, if one parent develops an alcohol or drug addiction that puts the children at risk, it’s typically enough to convince the court to review the current order for a possible modification.
Courts strive to maintain stability for children, so judges will review these requests carefully. You must provide the judge with evidence of your ex’s drinking problem, like arrest or DUI conviction records, witness statements, or medical records.
Additionally, you should tell the court what changes you believe will benefit your child. Some courts will refer the matter to the Friend of the Court, or a division of Family Court, to complete an investigation and provide a recommendation to the judge. If the court asks you to participate, be sure to attend your meetings on-time, give truthful statements, and produce any other documents the investigator requests.
Both you and your ex-husband will have the opportunity to tell the judge your side of the story before the court decides how to proceed.
Supervised Parenting Time
You may have to ask the court to restrict your ex's visits and order supervised parenting time only. Most courts reserve supervised parenting time for the most severe cases. For example, parents who are building a relationship with a child after an absence, have a history of alcohol or drug abuse, or a past child abuse conviction. The law supports a biological parent’s right to parent, but the court’s number one concern is the child’s safety.
During supervised parenting time, the parent and child will meet at an agreed-upon location (usually a court-approved center), and a facilitator (court sanctioned or an approved family member or friend) will supervise the visit. The goal is to help the parent and child establish a relationship that, over time, builds trust in the parent and grows into an unsupervised, routine visit.
Depending on the severity of your ex-husband’s addiction, supervised parenting time may be appropriate, at least temporarily. The court may ask your ex-husband to participate in inpatient or outpatient treatment, weekly meetings, or a random drug test before considering allowing him to spend unsupervised time with your children.
If you have questions, you should contact a local family law attorney for advice.